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11/09/2015 One Small Step for Man ...

One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Laing-kind. Douglas Laing & Co. today announces its intention to send its Managing Director, Fred Laing, into space. This extraordinary measure is a bid to halt the Whisky Blender’s maturation process, allowing him to hit back at those who opine that he should shortly retire. 

Fred Laing, 64, is the second generation in the family’s Scotch Whisky firm, and holds a hands-on role in both management and blending. With his 65th birthday a matter of weeks away, Laing insists he is yet to peak. 

“Recent news of my retirement is premature, and at the same time news of Scotch Whisky being sent into Space to examine the effect of micro-gravity on maturation got me thinking. Up to 60% of my body is composed of Whisky and I’m approaching 65, constantly being told to slow down, but why should I? If this experiment works in my favour, I could retain my youthful looks for another 64 years. No one need know my true age, and I can continue to do what I love within this wonderful industry…well, forever”.

Cara Laing, generation three in the family business, declined to comment.

One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Laing-kind.